Update and some Questions for my Readers.

Hi guys!
So things are going pretty well I must say. Still need to work on the exercising daily thing but I now find myself walking for at least 1/2 mile every two days or so which is much more than what I have been doing; which makes me happy.

My snacking has gotten loads better but its nowhere near where I want it to be. I find myself sticking to eating the same thing for dinner, which is two small chicken wraps with grilled chicken and a bit of ranch dressing. Its delicious and very filling, since I eat it when about 1/2 can of whole kernel corn (my all-time favorite veggie).

But what I find myself needing to do is to get either a container or a plate that is separated into three different areas so I can have an even meal, instead of feeling the urge to splurge and whatnot. That is simple to find as is a bunch of small containers that I can separate my snacks, healthy of course, into individual portions. I plan on making these purchases this week at my Dollar Tree, which is just a treasure-trove of things like that and they can easily be replaced after a number of uses as they are only $1.00.

Also I have some questions for my readers and I would really appreciate some feedback because I would like to hear from others who are going through the same thing, or have gone through what I am going through.

I buy greens in bulk to make smoothies with, usually Spinach and Kale. I am the only one in my home that uses them so I only use about a cup of them each time I make a smoothie, which is daily. Now my question concerning this is, how do I keep them from wilting and ruining? I hate wasting money, much less food that I know I was going to use because I can't figure out how to store them properly. I asked this on my Twitter earlier today but I wanted to put it in this blog as well to see if anyone else had any tips. I take them out of the container that I buy them in, I wash them and pat them dry, then I put them in a zip-lock bag and press out all the air. It does keep them from wilting for a few days but after that the start to wilt and ruin and I really don't want to waste anymore. Thanks for any help given on this!

Another question is that I still find myself hungry throughout the day, even though I'm not. I was wondering if anyone knew of a natural vitamin that I could get to suppress my cravings and appetite for when I'm not actually hungry. Now I know I said at the beginning of this post that my eating habits had gotten better and they have but I feel that they could be much, much better. So I'm looking into vitamins that I can take daily to help curb my cravings and whatnot.

So any help on the questions would be appreciated! Thanks guys and see you in the next post!

Coming to some Conclusions (Hurtful as some of them are) and Seeking Advice

So the past few weeks have been filled with some insights and deep soul searching on many areas, including weight loss, dieting, exercising and whatnot.

While I've been doing better on my water intake, cutting back on what I eat and even exercising by walking outside since the weather has been getting better; which these are things that I am very proud of and some that I hope to only advance in. I've been doing portion control on my meals and only limiting myself to one soda a day, which works out wonderfully because I don't really care for soda that much. I've also pretty much stopped drinking milk all together, finding that I much prefer the taste of Almond Milk. I still need to work on my vegetable intake but I've been drinking smoothies for that so that's been helpful.

But with the good news comes the bad as well and over the past few weeks I've come to some really hurtful conclusions that actually make my heart feel like its breaking over and over again the more I think about it. I write to make myself feel better as I stated in another earlier post, so I'm hoping that by writing all this out that I will feel better and prevent myself from falling into a depression. So here it goes...

Over the past few weeks I have noticed that my family just simply doesn't care to help me, nor do they try. Let me explain why I have come to this conclusion by telling of different events that have happened over the course of these past few weeks.

The first event occurred when my father showed up for his random weekly visit to make it look like he's a good son and father. He walked to my room and I was laying on my bed reading and listening to music on the radio. As he stops at the door, I turn my attention to him to see if he wanted anything. He just scoffs and walks off but not before saying that "you look like a beached whale." I'm not gonna lie I do have thick skin from teased so much about my weight growing up while in school but to hear something like that from my own father kinda hurt a bit. I mean its not like we have the greatest relationship out there but still, no father should say that to their child.

Another event occurred when me, my stepmother and my brother were all out one Saturday going to yard sales. Every chance my stepmother got to ask someone if they had exercise tapes, weights, whatnot as she pointed to me and saying, "As you can see, she really needs them." Her saying that hurt worse than my father saying what he had said to me. Because this was a woman who willingly worked with me in order to help me try to lose weight a few years ago and it meant so much to me that she was actually willing to help me, push me to achieve a healthier lifestyle. And now she goes and says stuff like that to total strangers. And this isn't the first time she has said anything like that to strangers in front of me. When I used to go out with them somewhere, she would also let the comment slip of how I needed to sit down carefully in the car or else I would break the seat.

My grandfather, God Bless Him, tries and I know he does but sometimes his words hurt too. He tells me that I don't need to exercise but in the next breathe he tells me that I'm just getting bigger and bigger. And while his words hurt at times, his do the least amount of damage.

My uncle, who has down-syndrome and I know isn't in his full right mind but he's picked up on several things throughout the years, when he sees me exercise or going out for a walk he always breaks out into laughter and telling me "that won't help you. You'll still be a fat bitch."

Its just been one realization after realization these past few weeks but tonight it really hit me hard how my family just doesn't support me at all. My father came by again and my grandpa told him how for the past few days I had been walking, to which my grandpa was very proud of me for doing so; but its what my father replied with that seem to make everything fall into perspective. My father laughed and looked at my grandpa and replied "What has she been doing? Walking back and forth to the fridge all day?"

I was at a complete loss for words and I didn't know to respond to that. My father has always said crude things to me, like calling me a 500 pound drum with a basketball for a head. Telling me that no man would ever love me for my size and that I should just marry for money. How I'll never end up happy like my sister who has a great job and is married. On and on his words go and I honestly never gave them much thought until tonight after he said that.

Even with all his cruel words, my stepmother always seemed to be there to give just a little support but even now that is gone. If it weren't for my close friends, I would have no support in my weight loss journey and that hurts. It really hurts knowing that my family has no faith in me whatsoever and have basically given up on me.

Now I know that I should cut my ties or losses and move on with my life. But that's the difficult part, I can't. Not because I don't want to, it's literally because I can't because I can't leave. As I stated in a previous post, I am the main caregiver for my grandpa and my uncle, so if I were to just up and leave they would have no one to take care of them. I am the only who knows what medicines they take, what doctors to take them to, I am the only one who makes sure that they have food to eat everyday and clean clothes. I'm the one that writes out the checks in order to pay the bills so without me, they would be basically be left completely alone. And as much as it hurts to stay here and be subjected to harsh and cruel words daily, I would rather be here knowing that they were taken care of than always wondering if they were being taken care of.

I have also come to the realization that there is no emotional ties between many of my family members and while that is hurtful, what hurts the most is that I wanted there to be a relationship there but sadly it seemed like no one else wanted there to be. I often found myself wondering what kind of horrible child I must be for my own father to tell me that he has never loved me and that has often wished that I was never born.

And its not just the fact that they don't support me in losing weight but also for the fact that I am in a stressful environment daily when I am in my home. As I stated my uncle does have down-syndrome but the older he gets the more violent he becomes. Over the past year, he has lashed out at not only myself but at my grandfather and I have found that I always put myself between them because I know that if my uncle were to hit my grandfather that he would suffer more damage than if I were the one to take the hit; so whenever he lashes out at my grandfather I always step between them, not the smartest move to do but its the only solution that I can think of. My uncle is also prone to death threats, especially towards me and has told me more times than I can count that he will stab me with a knife if I get out of his life.

I really have no escape from all this or so I thought. One of my close friends gave me a I-pod Mini as she didn't have any need for it so I no longer have an excuse for not walking. And for that past few days I have really enjoyed just getting out and walking around my neighborhood in the mornings when the weather is still a bit cool. I don't even mind the dogs barking at me because its just so calming.

And since I started walking, I have noticed how truly out of shape I am. I've been walking a quarter of a mile everyday with the intention of increasing it weekly by a quarter of a mile until I am walking two to three miles a day. Even though I'm only walking a quarter of a mile, I get out of breathe so easily and my legs hurt so bad. But I don't stop or take a break, instead I make myself put forward until I am finished with my walk.

Also another thing I have been keeping my eye on is my blood pressure, which has gotten seriously out of control and that frightens me. I know that it is a combination of not only not exercising but also that of my diet and stress as well but I seriously need to get this under control and soon because I don't want to have to get on blood pressure pills if I can.

So I'm seriously asking if anyone knows of anyway that I can lower my blood pressure through diet and vitamins then please let me know. I don't want to get on prescription pills if it can be avoided. So if anyone can help then please leave a comment.

I'm also looking for sites where I can talk to others that are going through the same thing so that we can give each other support. I wouldn't mind starting a group like that but I have no idea how to even begin with something like that.

I also plan on updating this blog more and more because I want to be held accountable for my actions and I feel that this blog could help with that. Also I wanted to say that I know that my life isn't as horrible as others' but I am not trying to compare lives at all. I just tend to feel better after I write stuff out and I really just wanted to share.

Until Next Time!

Current Weight: 400 :-(
Height: 5'11"
Age: 27 soon to be 28