Update - January 11, 2018

I honestly have no excuse that I can come with to say why I haven't posted on this blog in nearly a year. There is no excuse that can be given, except that I got lazy with keeping up with it. The past year hasn't been as bad since my father passed away in November 2016. I've honestly had a pretty good 2017. I finally got a part-time job in the middle of September working for a local newspaper and I even got one at the end of November working for an online company. And whats great is that with the hours, I am able to keep up with both jobs.
I tried Etsy for a bit but I have found that I just don't have the drive to keep being creative with it, so I think I'm going to close my Etsy shop and just focus on my two main jobs right now. Well, those two and still being the primary caregiver for my grandfather and mentally handicapped uncle.
And with all that going on, I will fully admit that my weight-loss took a backseat pretty much for the rest of last year since the last post was made on this blog. And I feel so bad that it did.
So since I am becoming financially stable, which means less stress on my mind; I want to try and start updating this blog more regularly now. I want to lose weight and show myself that I can do it. I don't feel like I need to prove anything to anyone else because in all honesty, the older that I have gotten (I'm 30 for those that are wondering) the less I care about what people think of me. Everyone has their own opinion, so let them have it. Don't focus on the negative in life, focus only on the positive.
The blogs are going to start out pretty simple. Tomorrow I'm going to post my weight (not the heaviest I've ever been; but not where I want to be right now), what I've been doing so far this year to try and help myself, and a question that I want to ask to see if anyone can help me figure it out. This year I am going to focus more on myself, since I have less stress on me.
See you guys Friday! 

Update - Jan. 27, 2017

Hello all!

Sorry for no update last week, I had planned on it but I was so disappointed in myself on a few things that I just couldn't find it in my to post an update. But since the beginning of this week, I have noticed that I'm doing a few things different now than I was last week.

For instance, unlike last week I am keeping up with writing down what I have to eat everyday as well as keeping up with my water intake. Still not drinking a full 8 a day but I'm averaging about 4 to 6; which is a vast improvement than my previous attempts. I keep track of my meals and my water intake via my Happy Planner, where I dedicated a space for fitness and health every day.

I also noticed that when I went out earlier this week and I ate out with a friend, that I didn't overeat nor did I order a big order; which was surprising to me because I love eating out. I also noticed that I couldn't finish all of the food I had ordered, despite it being a much smaller portion than what I used to get. I have noticed lately that I cannot eat as much as I used to or else I'll start feeling sick to my stomach. I have had to adjust my portion sizes a bit but that really hasn't been a problem.

I think the reason being that I am starting to eat less is because I have been taking vitamins. I take them once a day and they are a multi-vitamin, biotin for my hair, skin & nails, a vitamin C pill and GNC Women's Metabolism and Energy Vitamin. The last vitamin I think is having the biggest impact on me. I take it 30 minutes after I have eaten breakfast and it helps me control my eating habits throughout the day.

However, I have noticed that during the night I still get cravings. Why, I'm really not sure because I think I eat plenty during the day and for dinner; so I shouldn't be snacking at all hours of the night. I think it has something to do with me being an insomniac and thus I find myself staying up well into the wee-hours of the mornings most days. So perhaps it has something to do with or maybe I just get bored at night when everyone else has gone to sleep. I'm not really sure. I think that if it continues to be an issue where I am noticing more weight-gain than weight-loss, then I will speak to someone about it to see if anything can be done.

Speaking of weight, I was able to weigh myself this past Monday and let's just say the results left me not happy at all. True that I do weigh less than I have at my heaviest, which was 426; but still the fact that I weigh 395.6 at 29 years old is a bit of a shocker. I have struggled with my weight my whole life and I know that I will battle it until my last breathe but I refuse to let it hold me back any longer. I'm turning 30 in September and I want to be able to say that I started defeating my weight problem before I hit it.

Like I said, I have already made a few changes to my life that I can see are working out but this week I have made a few more and so far they seem to be working. One change is that, whenever my grandfather wants coffee or something from the kitchen; instead of getting my uncle to get it for him, he tells me to. Now this isn't much of exercise but considering that I am getting up and walking about every 2 hours or so, it is a vast improvement than just sitting down all day and doing nothing. I have also found ways to occupy my mind instead of waiting until I can eat again. I usually do this by writing in a journal or just walking outside to take the trash out. It's really simple and easy how I can distract myself.

Recently I have opened an Etsy shop where I sell planners and planner accessories. Now I'm expanding my little shop to include homemade journals and necklaces. I quickly noticed that if I keep my hands and mind busy, food is the last thing on my mind.

Another change I made is that I stopped following food media accounts or "food porn" if you will. I unfollowed all of them on my Instagram and Twitter; leaving the ones on Facebook since I only follow the one and I don't visit Facebook but once or twice a day. My reasoning for this was, if I can't see it then I won't want to eat it. And so far, it has worked with easing my cravings sweets and such. Though to be honest I've never really been a sweets' fan as there are only a few candy bars that I enjoy; and I only indulge in them once in a while so that is a plus for me.

Well I think that's it for this update, I plan on doing another next Friday so keep an eye out. And if any advice can be given then I greatly appreciate any that can be given.

Until Next Time!

Realizations & Starting Slow

Hello!

It seems like it's been such a long time since I posted on my journey to not only a healthier me but an overall healthier lifestyle. And in reality, it really has been a long time since I posted anything but I'm hoping to change that. I have come to some realizations about my journey to a thinner and healthier me that I'm going to be sharing in this post as well as some steps that I am taking in order to make changes in my life.

First off, I realize now that I pretty much just jumped right into trying to lose weight and get healthy without doing any preparing or research on my part. This turned out to be a very huge mistake and it has taken me several months to fully understand just how big of a mistake this was. I jumped in headfirst without checking to see what depth the water was. I finally realize that these changes don't come about overnight and I'm not going to lose a severe amount of weight in a month. I think that was the biggest realization and shock to my system. I was expecting to lose an enormous amount of weight just by changing a few things and the reality of that occurring is non-existent. Once I realized that, I noticed the other mistakes that I was making that made no sense.

For instance, one cannot simply go from doing no exercise to try and walking an hour or more daily. It's simply isn't done and the shock to one's system is going to end up doing more harm than good. At least this was the case for me and please note that I am no means a nutritionist or someone to take exercise advice from. I just know what will work for me and my body so I know what I can do and what I cannot.

Dieting was also something that I realized that I was doing wrong. I would pretty much starve myself during the day by finding something to do or to occupy my time; which isn't healthy at all. Then during the night, I would find myself making multiple trips to my kitchen, getting a sandwich here and there. Now this took me a while to realize that I was doing and if I'm honest, I didn't notice anything off until my grandfather mentioned to me how I wasn't eating during the day and gorging myself at night. At first, I didn't believe him so I ignored him. I mean no one wants to admit that they are wrong and I am one stubborn girl, so for to admit that someone else was right when I was wrong. But one night it hit me, like a softball to the face when I was going into the kitchen not twenty minutes after having eaten supper to make myself a sandwich. I must have stood in my kitchen for nearly an hour going over and over in my mind exactly what I had been doing to myself. It was really eye-opening to say the least.

Over the course of last year, I also noticed something about my eating habits that I really hadn't noticed before and it got me curious as to exactly how long this had been going on. I was eating my emotions. Whenever I was sad, lonely, angry or just downright depressed because I'll be honest last year wasn't a great year for me and my family; I found myself turning to food. It was either a sandwich, a honey-bun or something sweet to snack on like a chocolate bar. When I realized this later on last year, I wasn't really surprised and there was little that I wanted to change about it. I was so stressed out by this point that I didn't see the point in changing my eating habits at that second with the situation and everything. For those curious it's not really a secret as I think I have shared it in a previous post but the situation began in March 2016. My father was rushed to the hospital and diagnosed with liver failure due to years and years of abusing alcohol. He was fine on his own for a few months but eventual he had to move in with me, my grandfather and my uncle who is special needs. I became the main caregiver for all of them as my stepmother had left him the year before in his refusal to stop drinking. The months progressed until he was admitted back into the hospital in October 2016 and he would never leave. He passed away in November and it really did hit the family hard. If you want to learn more about the situation or if you yourself are a caregiver or know someone who is a caregiver, I'll leave a link to my blog at the end of this post. I started it last year in order for me to help others like myself and to get advice from others who are going through the same situation.

Anyway after I made these realizations, I decided to take a break from this blog and just work out exactly what I wanted to do and how I was going to do it. I decided that instead of making huge changes to my life that I was going to start out with small changes. And so far, I have been doing these small changes for about two weeks and I'm already loving at how I feel and I can't wait to make more smaller changes that will lead up to big ones later on this year.

The changes I have made are not huge by any means but I see them as a launching point to what I want to achieve during the rest of this year and the rest of my life. One change that I made was that I cut out all drinks except for water, almond milk and one cup of coffee in the morning. Now I don't drink plain water all the time, I like using water flavoring because let's be honest; drinking plain water all the time gets old quickly. I use the Diet Snapple Lemon Tea flavoring but I don't use it all the time. I only use it when I'm eating lunch or dinner. How I did this was very simple, I stopped buying the sodas that I liked to drink. I do still buy them because my uncle loves them and I don't want to deprive him of his favorite drinks just because I can't control myself around them. Luckily for me, he loves to drink Coco-Cola and Root Beer and those are two drinks that I just cannot stand. In fact, the only sodas that I can drink are Sprite and Vanilla Coke; and not even all the time. So that's good for both of us. And even though I live in the South, I don't like the taste of Sweet Tea like I used to but that's not a bad thing to me because every little bit helps.

Another thing that I have changed is that I make it a mission to eat three meals a day. This is pretty easy since I have to cook three times a day for my grandfather and uncle so I just find myself eating with them. Usually I would cook just enough for them and then go on about my day. But this has been the easiest to do and I love spending time with them, especially my grandpa. Eating three meals a day has helped me scale back on my nightly raiding of the kitchen, though it hasn't completely stopped; but I have faith that it will eventually become nothing but a memory.

Another thing that I have changed is that any chance that I have to walk, I take it. Whether it's finding that parking space at the store that is not close to the door or running errands with friends who don't want to get out at the store but they need something. I don't mind this at all now and it has quickly become second nature to me to just hunt for a far enough parking space that I can get in a bit of a walk to and from the store.

Another tip that I have is that I have now started to eat something to before I go grocery shopping. I have heard that one should never go grocery store shopping hungry but I never looked into it as being a true fact. To my surprise it's true! I have noticed a huge difference in my shopping lately ever since I started eating before I venture out my grocery store. Just thought I'd share that tip with you guys!

Well that's it for this blog. I am going to start posting weekly posts on what I eat during the week. Also I'm curious about Vegan foods so if anyone has any good suggestions for some, can you send them my way? I've tried several Vegan foods over the past few months and I want to find out more about it. Not that I want to go fully Vegan but I wouldn't mind doing a Vegan week if I can find enough of recipes. Thanks!

Until Next Time!

Caregiver Blog:   http://my-experience-as-a-caregiver.blogspot.com/

Week #2 Update! (Jan. 11 - 17, 2016)

Hello again!

I can't believe it's already the end of the second week already! I can't believe it but at the same time I'm not gonna act like I'm not excited, which I am!

There isn't much else to update about how week #2 went for me, only that I found myself looking forward to when I would walk outside! I love that feeling! I can say that I do notice a difference in how I feel after I walk, it's like I can't get my day started until after I have walked on my walking days.

Granted the other days are proving to a bit more of an issue for me to do and I find myself not looking forward to it like I do my walking days, which are Monday, Wednesday and Friday. I think I need to change what I do on Tuesday, Thursdays and Saturdays because I want to feel excited about doing exercise and I need it to be different from just going out and walking, because then I know that I'll get tired of walking which isn't something that I want to do.

For those wondering, yes I do walk outside as the road that I live on basically makes a loop that is a quarter of a mile in length. As of right now, I walk two rounds/loops which means that for 3x a week I am walking half-mile. Now to some this isn't a lot but to me, I can tell a difference in how I feel and my energy level because last year the thought of me walking a half-mile of anything was downright laughable. I am not going to keep walking half-mile throughout this year however; I plan on increasing my walking by half a mile whenever I feel that my body is becoming to use to the distance.

I am also very lucky in the location of which I live. I live in a nice neighborhood where I pretty much know all of my neighbors, which is nice because I want to know that I am safe whenever I go out for my walks. And since I live in the South then I don't have to worry about snow keeping me from my walks; granted it's still gets cold down here but for me the colder it is, the faster I'm going to walk which is better for me.

I'm going to be doing a post later this week on what I bring with me on my walks, what music I listen to and how I stay safe, so be on the lookout for that.

Anyway, I need some other exercise(s) to do on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays. I've been thinking about doing Blogilates but I honestly wouldn't know where to begin with it. I do follow her channel on YouTube and I have heard some great things about it but I have never tried it out for myself. So if anyone has tried it and they think I should give it a shot, let me know! Or if anyone has a different exercise that they think I should try, then please feel free to leave a comment below!

Well that's really about it for this week! As always I will insert a picture of what my Fitness Planner looks like for this week...on another note I need to get some fitness stickers so if anyone knows of a good Etsy shop then please let me know! Thanks!

Until Next Time!

Week #2: Jan. 11 - 17!

Week #1 Update! (Jan. 4 - 10, 2016)

I took this pic while walking this week.

Hello Everyone!

So in short, Week #1 was very successful in my own personal opinion. Granted there is always room for improvement, which is the case in some things that I didn't achieve in week one but I must say that I am proud of myself. I have also included a picture to the left which I took while I was out walking this past week and I just had to share it. Despite it being so cold, it was really a beautiful day to be out walking!

I managed to walk three days last week, granted I didn't walk a mile each day but I did get in half-a-mile for three days last week. That was on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. On Tuesday and Thursday, I did 30 minute meditation and some stretches. Now I'm gonna be honest and say that I didn't really do any form of exercising this weekend and I am disappointed in myself so I've come up with a different exercise plan than what I had last week and I plan on keeping it. Which I have since I have already been up and walked my half-a-mile this morning.

The reason for the change from a mile to half-a-mile is because I talked to a close friend of mine, who works in a gym and she told me that I need to work my body up to walking a mile or more. Because since I'm not used to exercising then my body could overwork itself which isn't too good. Now I know that everyone has opinions on exactly how much exercise one should get but I want to take her advice because I really do trust her as a friend and as someone who cares about me getting healthier. So as of right now I am walking half-a-mile three days a week and the moment I feel that body is becoming used to that distance then I will be increasing the distance by a quarter-of-a-mile and so on and so forth.

Anyway, the diet thing is going okay but there is much room for improvement. I am currently looking for a protein shake that will ease cravings and one that I can replace a meal with. I am going to be trying Vega Pro in about a week so I'm excited about that. I will be posting a review of it on another blog that I have and I will put then link on my weekly update for this blog so that others can read it!

As I stated in my previous blog post, I will be posting a picture of my workout planner that I used during the week to keep up with my exercise, meals and water intake at the end of this blog so keep a lookout for that!

Other changes I'm going to be making will be to my exercise plan, which will now consist of workouts on Tuesday, Thursdays and Saturdays. I will be taking Sundays off on a side-note.
New Exercise Plan: 
Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays: Walk half-a-mile
Tuesdays,  Thursdays and Saturdays: Meditate for 30 Minutes, 10 Jumping Jacks, 10 Sit-ups, 10 Bicep Curls, and 10 Triceps Curls.

Now I will be increasing the distance and amount of exercise I do when I feel that my body is becoming used to it. The walking will be increased by a-quarter-of-a-mile and the other exercises by 10. I won't be increasing the meditation amount because I think 30 minutes is perfect for me, though I might increase it to more than three days a week but right now I feel comfortable with how it is.

Well I think that about does it for this update this week, and once again if anyone has any advice that they think I can use then please feel free to leave a comment below.

Until Next Week!

Shot of my Fitness Planner. Sorry if it cannot be read & sorry for my handwriting.

2016 Weight-Loss Plan!

Hello all!

I have to be completely honest with all of you...I am so excited to get started on my weight-loss journey this year! I have literally been counting down the days and I can't believe that it's finally here.

This post will be pretty much my setup for the next, my goals that I want to achieve, the exercises I want to do, food that I want to eat/avoid eating, etc.

I am also happy to say that I will be keeping a Fitness Planner from Happy Planner/MAMBI, which I will post a picture of at every update in order to hold myself accountable for what I have done that week and what I haven't.

Now I want to do a post every week on Sunday because the Fitness Planner goes from Monday-Sunday. Now I know that the post will become mundane and boring very quickly because my diet and exercise plan won't vary much at first during the first few months and so. I do still want to post every week, if only for myself; so that I know that I was accountable for myself during that week. I just hope my readers will understand this and not become annoyed with me.

Anyway, as I stated I will using a Fitness Planner throughout this year in order for me to keep up with not only diet but my exercise and water intake. I have already taken a photo of what this upcoming week looks like, Jan. 4-10. This is how every week will begin so I'm only going to post this picture once.

It's blank now but by next Sunday it'll be filled! :-)

As you can see above, the Fitness Planner is very detailed. Each week includes four slots food journal per day, a exercise section for each day and water intake for every day. There is also a Goal section in the margin as well as a small notes section. As you can see I have already decorated this week with motivational stickers, which came with the journal and some stickers that I got from a store on Etsy.

I don't know about anyone else but stickers just make me happy and knowing that I have decorate my Fitness Planner with stickers just seems to motivate me to work a bit harder. But anyway, enough about the planner for now; next up is what I plan on eating during this year on my weight loss journey!

-Diet-
Now this is something that I have spent long and hard on, mostly because I rushed into so quickly last time I tried to diet and I ended up always over-eating or not eating what I had planned to. This year is going to be different, as I am going to stick to my diet and be happy about it.

I do not plan on drinking anything other than water, Green Tea(cold and hot), green juice(Bolthouse Farms and/or Green Machine), smoothies, almond milk and the occasionally cup of coffee, and Sprite. The main reason behind this is because I really have lost all taste for drinking anything too carbonated and that includes coke. That and I feel that even though I have lost my taste for them that I still drink them way more than I should. I am also replacing milk with almond milk, which I will only be drinking as a smoothie base for my protein shakes. The reason behind this is that I feel that I personally need to cut back on drinking milk because I have noticed that my stomach tends to feel sick whenever I drink too much of it.

I plan on eating three meals per day and one snack. The meals may vary from time to time but they will remain pretty much the same. I will go into further detail about my diet in next week's post.

-Exercise-
Now exercising was something that I struggled with for a bit but I think that I have come with a routine that I can easily get into a habit of doing and keep up with.
- Walking: Walk one mile 3x a week. (Mon, Wed, and Fri) Increase by one mile every month.
- Do 10 Jumping Jacks daily. Increase by 10 every month.
- Do 10 Sit-ups daily. Increase by 10 every month.
- Do 10 Biceps Curls daily on each arm. Increase by 10 every month.
- Do 10 Triceps Curls daily on each arm. Increase by 10 every month.
- Deeply Meditate/Yoga for no less than one hour 2x a week. (Tues and Thurs)
- Sunday: Rest

Now as you can tell I pretty much have it planned out and I am very happy with all that I have planned out. My only concern is with Saturday. I want to be able to do something that day other than walking so if anyone has any ideas then please feel free to suggest them.

-Vitamins-
Along with diet and exercising, I will be taking vitamins this year. So far I am only taking two different vitamins but that may change as the year progresses. Currently I am taking Hair, Nails and Skin Vitamins from Nature's Bounty and GNC Woman's Vitamins for Energy and Metabolism.

I have been taking both of these vitamins since the middle of December and so far I am loving them.

-Protein Shake-
I will also be drinking a daily protein shake as a meal replacement. While I know that I will be getting a Whey Protein Shake Mix, I do not yet know which brand I will chose as I am still deciding. But I am planning on a final grocery store prep tomorrow so I will update you guys on which one I have chosen in next week's post.

Well, I think that's it for this week. I really am very excited about this upcoming year! I feel that this year will be my year in not only weight-loss but in other things as well.

Until Next Time!

Update, Taking a break and getting things better together

Hello,
Long time no post huh? Yeah, I'm sorry about that and I do feel bad that I haven't been keeping up with this blog. But I'm more disappointed in myself for not keeping up with my exercise and healthy eating choices. I'm really disappointed in myself and yet I'm not if that makes sense.

I know that I haven't posted since September but this will be the last post for this blog this year as I plan on taking the month of December to really doing some hard research on not only healthy eating, serving sizes, exercises that I can do and working on a plan that works for me.

I think my main issue was that I just jumped right into this without a plan of what exercises I would be doing, what I would be eating and all of the research that I now know needs to be done before I begin this journey.

Not that everything is bad, no not at all. I have been doing wonderful on my water drinking, not at a level in which I am super proud of but water has become my main daily drink and it continues to improve. I also managed to lose a bit of weight, not enough but it was about 10 pounds all together so that gives me courage.

So yeah, in December I am planning on doing research in how much I should be eating per meal, what exercises I need to be doing and how much, how much water, etc. I am also going to be more strict on myself, even more than I have been but also I feel like I need to reward myself if I reach my goals for the week.

So until next year my  lovely readers. I ask you to be patient with me and give me this time to research what is best for me and my body. Not to say that I don't want tips at all cause I really do and any tips will be greatly appreciated.

Until Next Time!

Update and some Questions for my Readers.

Hi guys!
So things are going pretty well I must say. Still need to work on the exercising daily thing but I now find myself walking for at least 1/2 mile every two days or so which is much more than what I have been doing; which makes me happy.

My snacking has gotten loads better but its nowhere near where I want it to be. I find myself sticking to eating the same thing for dinner, which is two small chicken wraps with grilled chicken and a bit of ranch dressing. Its delicious and very filling, since I eat it when about 1/2 can of whole kernel corn (my all-time favorite veggie).

But what I find myself needing to do is to get either a container or a plate that is separated into three different areas so I can have an even meal, instead of feeling the urge to splurge and whatnot. That is simple to find as is a bunch of small containers that I can separate my snacks, healthy of course, into individual portions. I plan on making these purchases this week at my Dollar Tree, which is just a treasure-trove of things like that and they can easily be replaced after a number of uses as they are only $1.00.

Also I have some questions for my readers and I would really appreciate some feedback because I would like to hear from others who are going through the same thing, or have gone through what I am going through.

I buy greens in bulk to make smoothies with, usually Spinach and Kale. I am the only one in my home that uses them so I only use about a cup of them each time I make a smoothie, which is daily. Now my question concerning this is, how do I keep them from wilting and ruining? I hate wasting money, much less food that I know I was going to use because I can't figure out how to store them properly. I asked this on my Twitter earlier today but I wanted to put it in this blog as well to see if anyone else had any tips. I take them out of the container that I buy them in, I wash them and pat them dry, then I put them in a zip-lock bag and press out all the air. It does keep them from wilting for a few days but after that the start to wilt and ruin and I really don't want to waste anymore. Thanks for any help given on this!

Another question is that I still find myself hungry throughout the day, even though I'm not. I was wondering if anyone knew of a natural vitamin that I could get to suppress my cravings and appetite for when I'm not actually hungry. Now I know I said at the beginning of this post that my eating habits had gotten better and they have but I feel that they could be much, much better. So I'm looking into vitamins that I can take daily to help curb my cravings and whatnot.

So any help on the questions would be appreciated! Thanks guys and see you in the next post!

Coming to some Conclusions (Hurtful as some of them are) and Seeking Advice

So the past few weeks have been filled with some insights and deep soul searching on many areas, including weight loss, dieting, exercising and whatnot.

While I've been doing better on my water intake, cutting back on what I eat and even exercising by walking outside since the weather has been getting better; which these are things that I am very proud of and some that I hope to only advance in. I've been doing portion control on my meals and only limiting myself to one soda a day, which works out wonderfully because I don't really care for soda that much. I've also pretty much stopped drinking milk all together, finding that I much prefer the taste of Almond Milk. I still need to work on my vegetable intake but I've been drinking smoothies for that so that's been helpful.

But with the good news comes the bad as well and over the past few weeks I've come to some really hurtful conclusions that actually make my heart feel like its breaking over and over again the more I think about it. I write to make myself feel better as I stated in another earlier post, so I'm hoping that by writing all this out that I will feel better and prevent myself from falling into a depression. So here it goes...

Over the past few weeks I have noticed that my family just simply doesn't care to help me, nor do they try. Let me explain why I have come to this conclusion by telling of different events that have happened over the course of these past few weeks.

The first event occurred when my father showed up for his random weekly visit to make it look like he's a good son and father. He walked to my room and I was laying on my bed reading and listening to music on the radio. As he stops at the door, I turn my attention to him to see if he wanted anything. He just scoffs and walks off but not before saying that "you look like a beached whale." I'm not gonna lie I do have thick skin from teased so much about my weight growing up while in school but to hear something like that from my own father kinda hurt a bit. I mean its not like we have the greatest relationship out there but still, no father should say that to their child.

Another event occurred when me, my stepmother and my brother were all out one Saturday going to yard sales. Every chance my stepmother got to ask someone if they had exercise tapes, weights, whatnot as she pointed to me and saying, "As you can see, she really needs them." Her saying that hurt worse than my father saying what he had said to me. Because this was a woman who willingly worked with me in order to help me try to lose weight a few years ago and it meant so much to me that she was actually willing to help me, push me to achieve a healthier lifestyle. And now she goes and says stuff like that to total strangers. And this isn't the first time she has said anything like that to strangers in front of me. When I used to go out with them somewhere, she would also let the comment slip of how I needed to sit down carefully in the car or else I would break the seat.

My grandfather, God Bless Him, tries and I know he does but sometimes his words hurt too. He tells me that I don't need to exercise but in the next breathe he tells me that I'm just getting bigger and bigger. And while his words hurt at times, his do the least amount of damage.

My uncle, who has down-syndrome and I know isn't in his full right mind but he's picked up on several things throughout the years, when he sees me exercise or going out for a walk he always breaks out into laughter and telling me "that won't help you. You'll still be a fat bitch."

Its just been one realization after realization these past few weeks but tonight it really hit me hard how my family just doesn't support me at all. My father came by again and my grandpa told him how for the past few days I had been walking, to which my grandpa was very proud of me for doing so; but its what my father replied with that seem to make everything fall into perspective. My father laughed and looked at my grandpa and replied "What has she been doing? Walking back and forth to the fridge all day?"

I was at a complete loss for words and I didn't know to respond to that. My father has always said crude things to me, like calling me a 500 pound drum with a basketball for a head. Telling me that no man would ever love me for my size and that I should just marry for money. How I'll never end up happy like my sister who has a great job and is married. On and on his words go and I honestly never gave them much thought until tonight after he said that.

Even with all his cruel words, my stepmother always seemed to be there to give just a little support but even now that is gone. If it weren't for my close friends, I would have no support in my weight loss journey and that hurts. It really hurts knowing that my family has no faith in me whatsoever and have basically given up on me.

Now I know that I should cut my ties or losses and move on with my life. But that's the difficult part, I can't. Not because I don't want to, it's literally because I can't because I can't leave. As I stated in a previous post, I am the main caregiver for my grandpa and my uncle, so if I were to just up and leave they would have no one to take care of them. I am the only who knows what medicines they take, what doctors to take them to, I am the only one who makes sure that they have food to eat everyday and clean clothes. I'm the one that writes out the checks in order to pay the bills so without me, they would be basically be left completely alone. And as much as it hurts to stay here and be subjected to harsh and cruel words daily, I would rather be here knowing that they were taken care of than always wondering if they were being taken care of.

I have also come to the realization that there is no emotional ties between many of my family members and while that is hurtful, what hurts the most is that I wanted there to be a relationship there but sadly it seemed like no one else wanted there to be. I often found myself wondering what kind of horrible child I must be for my own father to tell me that he has never loved me and that has often wished that I was never born.

And its not just the fact that they don't support me in losing weight but also for the fact that I am in a stressful environment daily when I am in my home. As I stated my uncle does have down-syndrome but the older he gets the more violent he becomes. Over the past year, he has lashed out at not only myself but at my grandfather and I have found that I always put myself between them because I know that if my uncle were to hit my grandfather that he would suffer more damage than if I were the one to take the hit; so whenever he lashes out at my grandfather I always step between them, not the smartest move to do but its the only solution that I can think of. My uncle is also prone to death threats, especially towards me and has told me more times than I can count that he will stab me with a knife if I get out of his life.

I really have no escape from all this or so I thought. One of my close friends gave me a I-pod Mini as she didn't have any need for it so I no longer have an excuse for not walking. And for that past few days I have really enjoyed just getting out and walking around my neighborhood in the mornings when the weather is still a bit cool. I don't even mind the dogs barking at me because its just so calming.

And since I started walking, I have noticed how truly out of shape I am. I've been walking a quarter of a mile everyday with the intention of increasing it weekly by a quarter of a mile until I am walking two to three miles a day. Even though I'm only walking a quarter of a mile, I get out of breathe so easily and my legs hurt so bad. But I don't stop or take a break, instead I make myself put forward until I am finished with my walk.

Also another thing I have been keeping my eye on is my blood pressure, which has gotten seriously out of control and that frightens me. I know that it is a combination of not only not exercising but also that of my diet and stress as well but I seriously need to get this under control and soon because I don't want to have to get on blood pressure pills if I can.

So I'm seriously asking if anyone knows of anyway that I can lower my blood pressure through diet and vitamins then please let me know. I don't want to get on prescription pills if it can be avoided. So if anyone can help then please leave a comment.

I'm also looking for sites where I can talk to others that are going through the same thing so that we can give each other support. I wouldn't mind starting a group like that but I have no idea how to even begin with something like that.

I also plan on updating this blog more and more because I want to be held accountable for my actions and I feel that this blog could help with that. Also I wanted to say that I know that my life isn't as horrible as others' but I am not trying to compare lives at all. I just tend to feel better after I write stuff out and I really just wanted to share.

Until Next Time!

Current Weight: 400 :-(
Height: 5'11"
Age: 27 soon to be 28

Update, Noticable Changes, Making Changes & Looking for Tips.

Hi!
So its been literally three months to the day since I updated this blog. And to tell you guys the truth, my weight loss journey has pretty much stopped itself in its tracks. Not for lack of trying though but from the lack of my sheer will to do it. However, a visit to the doctor today has finally shaken me out of my slump and I'm more than willing to get back onto it. But before I do, I was wondering if I could some tips from some others out there that are trying to lose weight as well.

Now I'm not one to do calorie counting or restriction of any kind. In fact, I don't really look at my calorie intake at all. I usually just go by portion size of whatever I'm eating. This is how I did it when I went to a nutritionist years ago and I guess it just kinda stuck with me. Another thing I've noticed is that over the past few weeks, my body has started to reject certain foods. I can't say what foods they are specifically but it happens at least once a week now. I'll have eaten something that just doesn't agree with me and I become physically ill for the next few days. Since I do find myself drinking milk on most days, I think I'm going to cut out milk completely for the new week and see if that is the cause of the issue. Which would be strange if it was as I, nor anyone in my family, has ever been lactose intolerant. But I must admit I am curious to see if this will change me becoming physically ill every week. And besides Almond Milk is really delicious so it's not like I would be sacrificing anything, :-)

Another thing that I've noticed over the past couple of months is that whenever I try to eat before 11 am, I get physically ill. This is not pleasant and I don't know what causes this but the thought of food as soon as I get up just makes me ill. I've taken to drinking a half-cup of Iced-Mocha in the mornings and it settles my stomach until I feel ready enough to eat.

Also another thing that seems to be coming to light is that when I'm out eating at restaurants, I cannot eat nearly as much as I use to. A year ago, I could clean my plate without any problems at all but now, I do good to get at least a quarter of what I ordered into me without feeling bloated and sick from overeating. Does anyone knows what is causing this to happen? Or am I the one doing it unconsciously? Anyway, since I've noticed this occurring, I don't eat out nearly as much and if I do, I usually find myself going to Smoothie King and getting a smoothie instead of a meal.

That brings up another thing that I'm curious about. I've been craving smoothies lately, which isn't a problem at all because I love them and I can never get tired of them. My question is, does anyone know of a good protein mix that I can add to my smoothies? I'm looking for one that curbs my appetite as I find myself being hungry for most, if not all day. Even when I know I'm full, I still feel hungry and I want to eat and eat and eat. I don't know if this comes from me having to be in my home all day or not but it has quickly become an annoyance and a big pain in the butt. So I feel like I need something to help curb my appetite and keep it under control.

Now for the changes that I'm going to be making. Along with removing milk from my diet, I want to do a few more things over the next week. I want to actively get outside and walk around my loop at least 4 times. My loop, the road I live on, is about 1/4 mile walk all the way around. So if I walk around my loop four times I will have walked a mile. I want to do this at least once a day, if not twice. I used to be able to walk for an hour and thirty minutes when I started losing weight back in the day and I want to get back up to that again.
Another thing that I want to change is my water intake. I need to up my water intake badly. So I got myself a refillable container that holds 50.7 fl and I'm going to make it a goal to drink out of this at least 4 times a day, which would bring my water intake up to about 200 fl oz daily, which is half of my body weight. The only issue I have with the water is that I tend to get bored of the taste but I'm going to try a tip that I used to by adding just a little bit of lemon juice to it so I won't tire of the taste.

A concern however that I have with the exercising is that I just won't do it. I hate exercising with a passion and I really need to get out of that mindset. Well I won't say that I completely hate it, as I do love going on walks but I guess my thing about that is, is that I tend to get very bored very quickly. However one of my friends decided to give me her I-pod shuffle that she never uses and I think that might help with the boredom of walking by myself. So as I type this, I am putting some good and upbeat exercise music on the I-pod so that I can take it out in the morning and do some exercise. Wish me luck!

Also thanks for any tips that anyone can give, they are greatly appreciate. Also recipes to help increase my weight loss and curb my cravings are always welcome!

Until Next Week, which I think I'll be posting again next Friday so until then!

Update! :-)

Hi everyone!

So my last update was a bit...angry I guess would be the correct term for it. Yeah angry and for that I apologize for ranting on and on. I was going through a difficult time when I posted it and was severely overstressed that I wasn't taking care of myself as I should have and thus I got sick.

Anyway there have been some changes that have occurred in my life and thus things have calmed dramatically. I have taken time to myself in order to fully let myself relax and not let the stress get to me as it had been. And I must say that I have noticed a big difference in my stress levels and I am much more happier and content.

I will admit that dieting and exercise had been put on hold while I was becoming stress free. But now that I have seem to found a good balance with everything, I'm going to jump back on the dieting and the exercising so hopefully I can see some real results pretty soon.

I can say that I feel better now than I did at the beginning of the year, which I am very thankful for.

I'm not promising weekly updates but do know that I will try my best to get the updates out as regularly as possible. Also in the next post, there will be a Before picture contained within the post, so keep an eye out for that. I'm not looking forward to that because I don't like to look at pictures of myself at all but as said in a previous post; perhaps it is what I need.

Until next time!

Update (and a bit of a rant) - April 17, 2015

So I haven't updated this blog in a while and it wasn't because I have forgotten about it at all, nor my journey to lose weight. Its just that things in my life have become a bit more hectic and stressful than they were previously.

I love doing my meal prep and I want to keep that up but I've hit a snag in the form that I have no vehicle in order to go to the stores in the next town over in order to get the foods that are better for me. Because I'll be honest, I live in a small town and our town store doesn't really cater to the healthier life choices that other stores do. So in order for me to get a good selection of healthier foods/drinks, I have to go to a Corner Market that is roughly thirty minutes or more from my small town. Now this has become a difficult task since I do not have a vehicle, which I'll explain more on that topic later, and since I don't have a vehicle; it really is impossible for me to go shop for healthier food without inconveniencing a friend or family member. Well mostly just one friend that has proven time and time again that she is one of the best friends that I could ever ask for in this life.

When I say I don't have a vehicle, I don't mean that I literally don't have a vehicle. On the contrary, there are three vehicles in my yard right now just waiting to be driven. Problem is...none of the work. My father, who is suppose to a master mechanic and has a master's degree in the field, has basically not done anything in the form of fixing them. My household has literally had no vehicle of our to drive in over a year and its really starting to piss me off. But what can I do? I can't work because no one is hiring in this town and if I do find a job, there is no way that I can drive to said job when I have nothing to drive.

Not to mention that I am the primary caregiver of my elderly grandfather and my uncle who has down-syndrome. And when I say primary, I really do mean primary as I seem to be in the only in the family that gives a damn about them. Please pardon my language but its really a sore spot for me at how they treat them. And it doesn't end with just my grandfather and uncle. When my grandmother was put on hospice when she was dying from a brain tumor, I was still in high school. But you know who was her primary caregiver...me. I was the one that got up at 3 in the morning in order to calm her down when she was crying or move her when she was in pain. I was fifteen years old and it seemed like I was the only that cared. Not saying that I didn't get help but most of the time I was her one and only caregiver. I almost got kicked out of school because I stayed home so much after staying up all night with her, making sure she was okay. I don't regret it and if I had to do it over again, I would do it in a heartbeat. This is why I stay here with my grandfather and uncle, its because I know that they are being taken care of and even though I do complain from time to time; even though my uncle is far from the nicest person in the world and tells me daily to go "die and burn in hell", I still wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.

I am so sorry for venting that long paragraph but the stress has just gotten so much for me that I feel like if I don't get it out that I'll explode. And one of the main things I do when I am stressed is that I write. This is why I wanted to get more into blogging but I venture from the topic at hand...

So yes when I do my meal prep, I go out of town because the selection of food is much healthier. And I am able to do this due to the fact that I have one of the greatest friends in the world and I am so glad to have her in my life. For the past several months, she has driven an hour and a half to come get me so that I could go grocery shopping...and she asks for nothing in return! I mean I don't know many people who do that and do it for nothing. I can't even depend on my own family to do a quarter of the things she has down and I make sure to tell her every time I see her how appreciative I am. But now with me being sick, both from stress and a cold, my grandfather now sick, my uncle sick last week and now my friend has turned out sick; its really hard for me to keep up with my meal prep when I can't go to the store that I desperately need to go to.

Not saying that I have given up on dieting, oh no that is not the case. I've just had to make some sacrifices when it comes to my weekly meal prep for now. I'm hoping that once we are all over being sick that I can get back into a semi-natural routine again.

I want to again apologize for the rant above but like I said, I had to get that out of me before I exploded or made myself sicker. So if you guys will just stay with me for another week or so, I can get some better updates going and whatnot. Hope everyone had a Happy Easter and that you are all doing well.

Until Next Time!

Meal Prep Week #2! (March 22 - 27)

Hi!
So the last few days of Meal Prep Week one were not that successful at all. But I am not going to be deterred as I start my second week. Though I do not have any snacks like the fruit and trail mix that I had during the first week. But perhaps that is a good thing in the long run. Reason for me not having these items this week is that I live in a small town and our local store is, not up to standards of other stores. Our healthy food selection is pretty much non-existent. During the first week I was lucky enough to be able to shop in a store that had a much better selection. Unfortunately I was not able to go shopping there this week so I made due with what I had.

I still plan on drinking water for every meal as well as in-between meals as well. I do also plan to eat three meals a day so even though I am without healthy snacks at the moment I will not let that deter me.

I am also planning on adding light exercise to my daily routine this week, though it is not really a part of meal prepping, I know that I need to get out and walk. So I'm going to make an effort to walk at least 20 minutes a day if not more.

The meals I'm having are very simple but I know that these meals will fill me up.

For breakfast: 1 pack of Instant Oatmeal (Maple & Brown Sugar), an Everything Bagel w/ Strawberry Creme Cheese.

For lunch and dinner: Grilled Chicken Strips, Steamed White Rice w/ Furikaki (Japanese Rice Seasoning) and Whole Kernel Sweet Corn.

I decided to forgo the Lo Mein this week as it seemed to not really fill me up. But when it came to the grilled chicken that I had for dinner during the first week, it seemed to fill me up longer.

Now as I said, I do not measure how much chicken I put into each container but I do measure the rice and the corn. I put a little more than half a cup of rice into each container and about a fourth of a cup, or more, of corn into each container. I know that some people measure the ounces of the chicken but I do not have a scale nor the means to purchase one so I divide them as evenly as I can and that works pretty good for me.

I am still struggling with cravings, especially late at night, which makes me annoyed more than anything because I do not know what is causing it. I feel like I'm eating enough during each meal and that I only get cravings just to get them and that I'm not really hungry. I'm trying to find something to help curve my cravings so again if anyone has any tips please feel free to leave a comment.

Well until next week!

Mid-Week Update!

Hi!
So I decided that today would be a good day to give a mid-week update on how I'm doing with the Meal Prep.

First off, I do still get late night cravings and for the life of me I do not know why. Its a bit aggravating to say the least and more so disappointing cause I don't even realize that I'm eating junk food until I'm halfway through with it. If anyone has any tips then please let me know cause it is very frustrating.

My water intake is going good. I'm drinking a 16.9 oz bottle of water with every meal and also drinking at least 20-30 oz of water in between meals. So the water intake is going good.

The meals themselves are delicious and they do their job in filling me up completely.

However I did have to make a change with breakfast, instead of eating just one pack of instant grits, I increased it to two because I was still feeling hungry after. But tomorrow I'm going to have oatmeal and I'm hoping that that will fill me up better than the grits did.

I've also been making green juices to go with my lunch and dinner meals. I make these green smoothies by using Kale, Spinach, Chard, 1 cut up Strawberry, 2 Tbsp of Vanilla Yogurt, 1/2 Cup of Peach Juice and one scoop of protein powder. I actually enjoy the smoothies more than the meals.

The fruit and the homemade trail mix I made, are another one of my favorite things to snack on. I'm just hoping that I can get the fruit to last throughout the week cause the are just so good. Also I'm wanting to try different fruits so if anyone has any ideas please let me know!

All in all its going pretty good and I'm happy that I am enjoying it as well as I am. But like I said the only thing I'm disappointed in is that I still get cravings, especially late at night. If anyone has any tips then please leave a comment as to how I can stop these late night cravings. I do suffer from Insomnia most nights as well if that helps anyone.

Until the next post!
Thank you for reading and again feel free to comment!